I have a plan to build on.
I know that it will work.
It means I’d rely on others
And on leaving Back ‘o Burke.
See, I want a kid, I know I do,
One of my very own.
But I need to find a fella
Who’ll not leave me, not disown.
So I went a lookin’ for my fella,
And I found one, handsome, awesome, cool,
On match.com. I wrote a novella
And I was not thought a fool.
His name was Ed, or ‘Handsome Hunk,’
Edward Brown it was in full.
The kinda guy who’d stay around,
More ‘pussy-cat’ than ‘bull.’
I thought; “Ah-ha. I got him,”
Reigned him in I did.
I’d opened a can, a can o’ worms,
I’d taken off the lid.
Within the can was a family man
Who’d earn something called a living,
Whilst I brung up my baby girl,
Good and proper, no misgivings.
Now, his family, I made them me own,
I was enchanting, really nice.
They’d be my fortune five hundred family,
So I acted sweet like…,well, once or maybe twice.
They called me ‘Darl,’ ‘Sweet pea,’ and ‘Honey,’
I felt part of their inner family.
“Better learn their name,” I thought
(for the record, it was Hamley).
They were so keen to bring me in
As part of their extended troup.
Almost made me feel guilty, like
When I took off with half their loot.
Not really, just fiction of sorts.
See, they’d give me lots of things.
It’s funny what being nice can do,
It’s funny what it brings.
But I wasn’t finished,
Oh, no, not yet,
I had so much more to do.
I had to apply at the Government Office
For that Social payment, as ya do.
The Government, it gives a hand-out
What’s referred to as an entitle-ment,
Where no-one even has to work,
It sounds absolutely Heaven-sent.
I’m pretty sure ‘Social payment’ is what it’s called,
And I know it does ya lots a good.
Better than goin’ out to work,
Answering phones, Jeez, I never would!
I’d heard so many people say,
In the form of a story, of a fable,
“Ya won’t look back girl, be the makings of ya,
Just don’t tell them you are able
To work a day or maybe two
Or they’ll have ya servin’ tea
At the local cafe, ‘Jimmy’s’ I think it’s called.
Luv, it wouldn’t do for me.”
They told me that I could get thousands
If I just played my cards right.
Dan ‘is name was, behind the counter
Handed me forms, in blue and white.
“What did this mean,” I wondered,
As I sat there lookin’ dim.
I got no idea what to fill out first,
So I acted on a whim.
I went for Sole Parent Pension
Cos it brought me the most cash.
Family Tax Benefits were a given
So through that I put a dash.
“Congratulations,” Dan said to me,
As I handed him my forms.
“You’ll hear from the Government, officially
But I’ll tell ya what’s the norm.”
“We encourage a big hand-out
To people like yourself,
Left alone by ya partner,
Left up on the shelf.”
I wasn’t ’bout to tell him
Well…you know…,the truth
If I did he might take me pennies back
Give others my hard-earned loot
‘Cos even though Ed, my man
Lived…,well, just around the corner,
I deserved that pension, that I did!
Not my neighbour, Wendy Horner.
Dan said; “We must protect ya,
That’s what the Government is here for,
To fork out cash to those in need
Not like it was before.”
“Before the Great Depression, see,
Ain’t nothin’ like this welfare
Each man (and woman) for themself
No Government could care.”
On and on, this Dan went
Talkin’ ‘bout the past.
I wasn’t really listenin’,
Wanted to get out really fast.
“God, this Dan,” I thought, “what’s he about?
He’s givin’ a history lesson.”
I stood there not takin’ it in
And not feelin’ like confessin’
I didn’t have a clue like
About anything he said.
It made me tired, gave me headache,
I should have been in bed.
But it sounded as he walloped on
Like Government’s day had come.
The story told of Government
Makin’ money on the run,
Off the taxpayer, payin ‘is tax (and mine)
On payin’ more than his fair share,
From them to me and others too,
Spent on those who couldn’t care
That they were bleedin’ dry the workin’ man
Who toiled all day long is all.
Hard-workers like Tom, and Wal…,and then Dianne
So sods like me, we wouldn’t fall
Below what the Government called a poverty line,
But me, I couldn’t see it.
Not likely to, it ain’t exist,
Was made up half the time.
I was a bit quizzical, like,
I’d taken money, other people’s.
Just ‘cos I didn’t want to work.
It sounded rather feeble.
Just ‘cos I could, was accepted practice
To make money off the system.
Encouraged I was, and better off too,
It was too hard to resist ’em.
And so my plan had begun,
Money was as good as in my purse.
What’s good for them is good for me.
Let’s face it, could have been lots worse.
What good for me is the welfare system?
Better in my hands than anyone else’s.
What good for me is that Money Tree
If I’m restrained from my impulses?
What good for me is social welfare,
Built on a bureaucrats obsession?
If I don’t get my share of it,
It may lead me to recession.